Ebidiot... A Ebay Idiot

I have recently taken to selling some things on Ebay, now I am not without some experience on ebay... but usually as a buyer but I have come across a new species of man recently. This being, though they could pass as a normal human in most instances, has in fact a built in handicap.... they are the Ebidiot.

These are the people who send you message after message asking you the same thing... that is usually clearly spelled out in the description. “can I get a refund on this item if I am not pleased ?” then “But I can return it for a refund right?” then “ Can I just mail it back to you and you’ll give me my money back?” till finally you have to send him a message saying that you think he’d be happier bidding on another item... one not yours.

Then there are the people with the weird expectations. On a Item you have marked Used, then mention that it is used in the description, how it was used and that it is in used condition send you questions and comments like “ Is it “As New”” and my favorite “ Can you make a video of it in operation and send it to me”. One guy expected me to purchase a chronograph and measure the FPS on a item and was quite put out when I informed him I wouldn’t

There was one guy, who, even though it was clearly stated how much I would charge for shipping, Decided that once he had won, time for negotiation had opened, he sent me a complex set of instructions on how to ship it to him and that he would only pay for exact shipping and not handling. So I took the item to the Post office to have it weighed and estimated I had the pleasure of informing him that I underestimated the shipping by 10 cents.

and I am sorry... What part of “Will only ship within the United States” is the hardest to understand. On multiple occasions...with above statement bolded in the description... I have noticed people from other far away lands bidding.

With all these hassles I still think Ebay is a great way to get rid of unwanted stuff. Some Items have floored me on how much they go for. The Ebidiot may be a Minority, they are just the people you have to deal with as a seller.... So Seller be ware... be very ware.

Nazi’s.... “it is better to look good, then to be good”

Recent history has rarely given such evil enemies as the Nazi’s of WWII. The started the whole kit and kaboodle ( alright, I just wanted to use that in a sentence) and then there was the Holocaust. These guys didnt kill people on a whim...no... they made a science of it. They were goose step’n bastards... but few baddies ever looked so good being bastards.

I once read that they redesigned the Weimar uniform as to atract new recruits, and boy did they succeed. There look was always German, the jack boots, the Stahlhelm, that coat with the litzen on the collar. Hell the germans (in fact the SS) were the first people to use a patented Camouflage pattern. Even as the war went on and the uniforms were changed for economy ( YEAH!!! ALLIED AIRFORCE) the bastards still managed to look cool.

Even there weapons were distictly German, sure , other countries used the mauser but few used a SMG that looked like the MP40 and none had a MG as effective and stylish as the MG34 and it economized yet no less stylish offspring the MG42. One of the supreme examples of weaponry cool has to be the MP44/STG44... no other weapon in the world looked like it. The Luger, The Walther p38, both were pistols that said “gott in himmel”.

As re-enactors, my friends and I used to get angry, there we stood in our drab boring US uniforms with our effective but “Meh” stylish weapons and there were the evil nazi’s Stylin with their cool stuff... It just wasnt fair. Germans didnt have a field jacket that made them look like a wayward golfer nor did they have the sublime idiocy of the Legging or the M1928 Haversack ( my head still spins trying to understand why we used that thing) and though practical I guess, field gray was a better more pleasant to the eye then the tans and browns of the early US uniform. (For the record, I do love the Pattern 43 uniform that was green)

Even their tanks,Vechicles and planes were distinctly German. The angular plates of the half tracks and early recon cars and Tanks to the dreaded Tiger and ME109, all had a distinct “Made by Nazis” look.

Our stuff was probably better built, more reliable, no body can argue that our Jeep was the finest small military vehicle ever produced but come on... style wise, was it as cool as the Kubelwagon or the Kittenkrad? not to mention the BMW w/sidecar.

Even when it came to personal gear there was a since of German style, the built in slant of the SMG pouches, the Pistol holsters and even the Gas mask can all helped to make the Nazi a styling bastard. The German Paratrooper was so styling that the British tried to copy there uniforms off of theirs and the USMC produced a Paratrooper smock almost identical.

It just seems wrong somehow... that these bastards got all the cool stuff and were such complete and total Douche bags.

Asking Girls out... in the age of Dinosaurs

I often think that females do not truly appreciate the torture that they put young men through. The sleepless nights, the nervous stomach aches that all lead to that first phone call, I still remember that pain to this day. Women think, we saunter over to the phone, pick it up and call them all as cool as cucumbers, well I got some news, at least for me, It was never that simple.

By the time I had talked to a girl on the phone I had probably tried calling her about 2 dozen times. I would hang up part way through dialing or, if I was feeling brave, as the first ring began. With each number I dialed, my heart would beat faster, breath would be harder to take, I swear I could see the end of the world rapidly approaching. When I think of how difficult it was just to ask a girl to a movie, its a wonder I ever got married.

I sure times have changed, with Cell phones and texting and the like and I am sure that a majority of it was my deep seated insecurities, but the shear trauma I suffered merely asking a girl out has probably scarred me for life... PTSD for the social inept if you will.

Then there was what to do on a first date...OMG!!! all I can do is laugh now, I remember once shaking a girls hand good night...no lie.. shook her hand. What was I suppose to do?? I was a hopeless case... how some guys just Kissed a girl goodnight on the first date was beyond me.

Girls need to realize how hard it is to ask one of THEIR kind out. The pacing, the mental inventories of the top 10 reasons why she would never go out with you, the fear that if she rejected you, you would somehow become a outcast... all this and a infinity of equally dark and depressing thoughts would flood my mind as I tries to summon up the courage to dial that phone.

There was of course a sort of teenage love recon you could do, by sounding out the girls friend you could attempt to gauge her interest in you. How awkward must that have been “Hey X..I was wondering, If I asked Y out, do you think she will say yes?”. I guess If you phrase it as a theoretical question rejection didnt count.

I always had these issues, even when I first asked my wife out but thank god I over came them. I thank the lord everyday that I met my wife. To anyone who has these issues I can only say... I understand, but you’ll never know unless you ask her.

(BTW: Pretty in Pink was my wife and mine's first date :o)

Holy Cow!!!

I have missed posting for a couple days, no excuses.... My Bad. I am trying to maintain regular updates to prevent me from getting to rusty in regards to the electronic arts. Maybe I should through together some spread sheets, tablulate and compare some columns just for giggles.

My Apologies clockwatchers, I'll try to post something at least sort of meaningful soon.

Loving History....

If you know me, slightly know me or maybe bumped into me once while evacuating Saigon, then you know I love History. I have since I was a boy, I used to sit in the history section of the library at our elementary school paging through every book. I remember when Time-life came out with there US history ( which still sits on my book shelf) and WWII series (“It started out as a twisted dream”) and I have not stopped gathering books since.

I love reading about so many periods that it sometimes makes my head spin, however I care nothing for Greek or eastern european history ( until the world wars). I am a odd bird... a example would be, I don’t care anything for aboriginal African (or American for that matter) history except where it intertwines with Western European/ American history. Ancient Egypt..MEH! Ancient Egypt meets Romans? read read read.

I like history to be at the ground floor, a individual perspective. This is hard to find for earlier periods but a example would be... “Army group North” puts me to sleep but “Forgotten Soldier” I can’t put down. I love to imagine past history through the eyes of a person not staring down at a map with broad red and blue arrows on it. “Quartered Safe out here” is one of my Favorite books because it not only takes you into WWII Burma, but attempts to replicate the accents and character of each member of the section.

I think this is why I like Living History so much, it enables me to get some idea of what it was like. I will never know what it was truly like in the civil war, but I do know what it is like to see 10s of thousands of men on the field, I learned that at first “Right Shoulder shift” fells as awkward as heck... but when you learn to do it right, its the most comfortable way to carry a long heavy musket. I know what its like to circle in a landing craft for a hour while guys get sea sick, then land on a beach, I have followed a tank through knee deep snow and crouched nervously in no-mans land while the enemies wire is being cut. Though it is the combat portion I can not ever understand, I can appreciate what it was like to be “thus arrayed for war”... what it is like to be burdened by the gear and uniforms.

I love talking to a Living Historian who loves their period and has truly researched it and puts their heart into it. On the other hand, I can no longer watch a many movies anymore because of wardrobe or historical inaccuracies. Non history loving friends poke fun at me because I can get hung up in the details... but come on, would it have hurt just to have done a little research.

I hate seeing a movie that feels it has to dramatize a event that the truth, if told correctly is already so much more dramatic. I hate it when Hollywood has to rewrite history for the sake of diversity. A example would be the dropping of the Atomic Bomb... we need to see the world through the eyes of 1945 to truly understand how that moment came to pass.

There is a joy to go to a event (Wargaming or Living History) and sit around with a bunch of people and talk and learn about battles and history... Heck I have enjoyed listening to a guy who does colonial wigs and people who have researched clothing of a period to a mind boggling extent.

Reading history, my imagination uses my experiences and other readings to build my “mind image”. I see the characters more vividly as I imagine the Victorian characters of a novel or a battle scarred soldier in the mountains of Italy in 1944. Though no description maybe given for a guard... he stands out in detail to me from the books I have read.

My love of history never dies, certain periods fade from favor ( only to resurface latter) and other rise in interest but there is always a want to view the world past through the eyes of those who have lived it. I hope one day one of my children shares my love but I will not force them... they should come into it as I did... through a true love of the subject.

Micronauts....

For some reason, today I was thinking about another toy that I enjoyed in my Childhood. They were called the “Micronauts”, small metallic colored figures from a alternate dimension.

The first I ever got, and by far my Favorite was “Space Glider” He had a helmet and a spring loaded “flight pack” that the wings sprang up when you pressed a little button. Then there was Acroyear, The evil alien who was always battling Space Glider. I only ever remember having those two of the normal guys but I had “Force Commander” and “Baron Karza” (who was the Black overlord of the bad guys) who were larger figures that had magnetically connected parts that you could swap around.

As much as I loved the Toys, I have to say I was a nut for the Marvel Comic tie in. I remember buying the first issue at the 7-11 off the revolving Comic rack and would go there every visit looking for the next issue. The story was, The Micronauts came from another Dimension and crossed over into ours (fleeing Baron Karza) the problem was, they were only action figure size here in our world. I ate it up, I loved that book.

I am amazed at times, when I watch my (or other) children play, and a simple block becomes so much more, a car or a space ship, A knight or a astronaut. It always has me thinking of when I was a kid. I wonder sometimes if Children are losing that “Imaginary spark”, with toys like the Micronauts, when they first came out, there was no manual of “how to play with” or “press f1 to” things... besides maybe a 2 sentence blurb, it was your imagination that built their world and fought their battles. I’d like to think that Imagination isnt just the “property” of the young and besides the obvious (films, art and books) Imagination is the fuel of progress.... to loss that spark would be awful.

SyFy .... From hells heart I stab at Thee!!!

I found out Yesterday that Syfy has canceled Stargate Universe... one of the only shows left worth watching on the channel.

A few months back they Canceled Caprica, now this... this makes me despise the channel more then a human should hate anything. WHY?? It did so well in its Friday time slot, then you had to change the day and you wonder why ratings drop... guess what, it isn't the show.

RAT SOUP!!! if they put on more “Ghost Hunters” or Wrestling I’m going to hurl.

SyFy used to be one of my favorite channels, back before the dark times.... before the empire. Now it is a depository for every bad movie made for 3.07 cents in Eastern Europe or Canada. I only rarely watch the channel now... Saddly SGU was the one show I did watch.

I admit SGU wasnt “Firefly”, but hells bells! it was alright, better then most stuff they had on there, now with Warehouse 13, Sanctuary and what ever else, they have successfully taken the “Space” out of the Science Fiction Genre. Come on people... I live on earth, do I really need all my Sci-Fi shows based there... and in modern day!!

I hate you SyFy channel !

2011 Clockwork Adventure #1

The Ruins of Gobo Blobbitter... Last Goblin King of Vort

News Years day found the Famed Clockwork adventurers exploring the banks of the White Clay Creek for the famed ruins of the last Goblin King of Vort ( Latter Newark Delaware)

After many a muddy mile, we soon came to the legendary “Whipping Wall” where we were beset by several WereSquirrels. A brief by hectic fight ensued and after the expenditure of a good deal of Deathray voltage, we found our selves standing before the legendary Ruin.

Here’s a shot looking down the “Goblin gate”, several traps were still in operation and it took thirty minutes to clear the way... Horace Twindlethumb, our elite illumination engineer, took a dart to the face and spent the remainder of the quest seeing gnome like shadows playing banjo’s... Goblin poisons are powerful things.

This is the base of the “Tower of Gobo Blobbitter”, of course it had a trap door burried under some debris and of course we descended down into the corridors below. Adventure was had, treasure was recovered and tales told that night by the fire of a nearby tavern.

While the World Partied ...

Clockwork Jalopy eased past 3000 views shortly before midnight last night, before 2010 had been shot and the head and buried in a shallow grave next to 2009 other just like it, The counter click past 3k.

Well now its 2011, lets see if we can keep it up.

Happy New Year..... From the Clockwinder

10 years ago, on New Years eve, I was with a bunch of very nervous people in a Major banks year 2000 command center, hoping that the 2 and a half years of work that we had put in would pay off. My Wife was at our friends house, at a party and they took a picture of her and some friends talking on the phone, they were talking to me, wishing me a happy New Year.... and yes, all our work did pay off.

Over the past 10 years allot has changed, I watched as our nation was attack, and as my Brother was sent to war, twice. I have become the father of two fine young men and Sadly, all my Grand Parents have past away. Some friends have past, Justin Hoover, my friends wife and others... I am thankful to have known them.

I have been blessed with friends both old and new, I love the fact that I now can keep in touch with friends from High School, spy on their lives, via social media. I still game with the same gang I gamed with since around 1985 and still count a huge slew of re-enactors as great friends ( and miss them very much since I havent been able to attend many events). There are also my friends from around home, in scouting and through gaming... I can say that the good lord has truly blessed me with some great and interesting family and friends.

In the past decade there has been good and bad, sadness and happiness, the strange “Ying Yang” thing we call life, but isnt that how its supposed to be? I sometimes think I get more bad then good.... but If I really look at it, I am truly blessed to share this ride with so many great people and a Wife and Children that remind me everyday how lucky I am.

To all of you, Happy New Year, its just a scale of time, a measure... but for some reason we assign great store to the magical day of “changing calenders” I guess because it is human nature to hope... and I hope you all have a Fantastic new decade and that we flawed decedents from apes over come our self-built obstacles to make the future a little... not asking much, just a little... Brighter.

Ye ever Notice?.....

Why do all adventures and quest seem to be to some great old tower of some evil sorcerer, invincible overlord or terrible Dragons lair? Didnt any good people ever horde great treasure? Why not “Lair of the humorous Unicorn” or “ Mr. Fluffy’s tower of 1000 delights”?

I mean, for years I have played Pen and paper and computer scenario’s where our characters have plunged into truly horrible places, with hideous traps, fiendish creatures and of course... the diabolical boss at the end. How did the evil guys get the lock on Lairs and dungeons? One would think that some kindly old king would build himself some really cool crypt to fill with his accumulated items that he wished to take with him to the next world so he could continue his Glorious deeds... but no... make a saving throw... sorry your dead!

I would love to be challenged by such creatures as a giant grape Jelly or a Rice pudding... or better yet... you are beset by a dozen Gnomes who begin to fix all your armor and repair your shoes. Where the hell are all the good guy lairs??? You enter a well constructed hallway with fire extinguishers (well marked) placed every 20 feet ( next to the trash cans with the smiling pixie sign that says “thanks for keeping your dungeon clean”) suddenly 10 laughing weresquirels demand that you listen to their rendition of “gray skies are going to clear up”...or you must eat more cookies then Wenzlar the Cookie King of level 5.

I’m just venting... to many a night my make believe adventures have come to gruesome end in some mold covered, skull encrusted hallway as fountains of tainted chaos blood gurgled in the background... Im just wondering if there is a flip side to the coin.

Who would you want to share a escape pod with?...

So I was trying to think of some sort of mind numbing and thought provoking EOY list that would have the free world agog at my towering intellect... then I decided to simply comprise a list of my top 10 favorite Sci Fi Ladies. The question being “Who would you want to share a escape pod with?”

Dax... from “Deepspace 9” played by both Terry Farrell and Nicole De Boer. I was unable to decide which one I liked the most so I came up with a convoluted reason to include them both under one entry. I even love the Trill markings.

7 of 9 From “Voyager” played by Jeri Ryan. So after x number of seasons in, when they realized that the geeks were drifting away from the show, the powers that be introduced The Character of 7 of 9... honestly if the show was just her eating a sandwich for a hour ratings would have soared... and after Janeway and Torres for a couple of years, we were thankful.

Selene from the “Underworld” Movies played by Kate Beckensale. I don’t really know if the Underworld movies are in the strictest sense “Sci Fi” but come on... Kate with those contacts, tight leather outfit and blazing guns... OMG!

Commander Kiva from “SGU” played by Rhona Mitra. Ok...I admit, I had to find a Character to include Rhona Mitra on the list... but truly it is for her earlier work as a Lara Croft model that I truly recognized her... Talent. She has had many other roles in the Genre and I can only hope for more.

Shazza from “Pitch Black” played by Claudia Black. I’ll admitt it, Im just a big Claudia Black fan from the first season of Farscape on. She is one of those actresses that lost entirely to much weight at one point and looked kinda bad but she look great in Pitch Black... until she got killed... Oh, Spoiler alert.

Persephone from the really bad “Matrix” sequels Monica Belluci. I hated the 2nd and 3rd Matrix movies... except for the parts with Monica Belluci... in my opinion if you took those two steaming piles of crap, and cut out her scenes, spliced them together... things would have been allot better

Gem from “Tron: Legacy” Played by Beau Garrett. Ok, now I have seen pictures of this actress and have thought “Meh” but put her in that white hair and contacts, then that costume and its “Greetings Program”.

Athena from the Original “Battlestar Galactica” played by Maren Jenson. OMG as a youngster I thought she was “It”. The episode where the women had to become pilots... holy cow! how did that not win some sort of presidential award... Is there no justice in this world.

Inara From “Firefly” played by Morena Baccarin. Inara left little smoking hawt foot prints where ever she went... She also had some pretty cool scenes in the show, a favorite is when her and Saffron meet.

Barbarella from “Barbarella” played by Jane Fonda. All right, you may not agree with Jane’s politics... but she was something as Barbarella. I believe I first saw this movie on HBO and thinking “Gawd this sucks... But she’s something to look at”. The opening credits... thats all Im going to say.

Allot of things are missing from the list, Princess Leia for one, Ripley (never did anything for me), Taarna form Heavy Metal or Cylon number 8 ( Sorry Boomer) but lets face it, I only had 10 slots to fill so we had to leave some fine Characters behind.

G.I. Joe.... Hero.

Watching my kids play with their toys, I was catapulted back to my childhood. Yes, we eventually had the first run of kenner Star Wars toys to fill warm spots in our Christmas Mirth... but for the majority of my childhood I remember one man rising to every challenge, defeating every foe and Kicking Ken’s butt at the Neighbors Barbie House... G.I. Joe.

Our Joes weren't these little barely posable things they have today... Ours was a 12 inch, Scarred man of action who came with accessories to help him combat every kind of villain your imagination could bring fourth. Though the first had plastic hair, they soon sported crew cuts of life like hair and beards that barely concealed that scar on his cheek... a scar, that even years latter Joe refused to talk about.

I remember our Joe had a Jeep, not just a ordinary Jeep, but one mounting a recoilless rocket launcher and pulling a trailer. Joe wasn’t a dumb grunt mind you.... he had been a astronaut in the Mercury program, complete with capsule and silver space uniform. He was a skilled frogman ( Orange wet suit, complete with speargun and man eating shark) and a Deep Sea diver ( with a weighted belt and shoes). He was a Jack of all trades, he was a spy with a disguise and a briefcase with a Gun you could assemble and could pilot a jet ( Though we had a helicopter). He was 100% hero.

I remember the foot lockers that you could buy to house all the accessories and the carded uniform and equipment add on’s. The last thing I remember getting for Joe was a Dune Buggy and command trailer that he used to hunt for mummies ( He was now sporting his “Kung Fu” grip).

I spent endless hours playing with Joe, I remember the neighbor (who had two daughters) would baby sit us, and Joe would be forced to take some R&R at the Barbie Dream house... He wasnt too friendly to Ken ( probably a draft dodger anyway) and he let him know it... .45 from his shoulder holster beat Ken’s ascot every time.

Many years latter, I still smile when I see a old Joe at a garage sale or on TV, I remember all the adventures we had and how rainy days were that much more bearable with my be-scarred comrade with his M1 (with broken barrel) covering my 6 or walking point as we combated the evils of our imaginary world.

Joe... We remember.

True Grit.... Some thoughts.

****Spoiler Alert... Maybe*****

Last Wednesday my friends and I went to see the remake of “True Grit” at Newark Shopping Center, Hands down our favorite place to see movies, it is truly the last of the old style “big houses” left in the area. Now allot of people know that I am a huge John Wayne fan, so I was very worried about a remake of the film for which he won his Oscar. To me him and Kim Darby were fantastic in that movie... Glen Campbell, not so much, So it was with some trepidation that I viewed the new film by the Coen Brothers.

It actually took me two or three days to admit to myself what I actually thought of the movie... That I thought it was a better movie then the original. In every way I believe it surpassed the original, Music, Acting, cinematography and costuming everything. I didn't want it to be, I wanted to say “Yeah I liked it... but the Duke was better” but in fact he wasnt.

Jeff Bridges did a fantastic job, mumbling through his dialog and his first scene where Mattie Ross tries to confront him in a outhouse is great. Hailee Steinfeld as Mattie Ross was perfect she delivered her difficult dialog believably and with the right amount of Spunk. Matt Damon did a good job as the dandy Texas ranger and Josh Brolin turned in a fantsic performance as the Dim-whitted and dangerous Tom Chaney.

To me... One of John Waynes iconic scenes is as Roster Cogborn, riding towards Ned Pepper’s gang, firing is pistol and spinning his rifle after he had delivered his “Then fill your hands you Son of a Bitch!” line... well that scene is in this movie and I will say I think it is done better, more believably, in the new film then the old.... Sorry Duke.

One of the things that was strange, so much of the dialog seemed almost identical, yes there are some changes, but after watching the new film then going home and watching the old... so many lines seem almost word for word ( undoubtedly lifted directly from the Novel for which it is based) the same... but delivered with a more believable realism in the new movie then the old.

I didnt want to like this movie as much as I did. I wanted to walk around with my nose in the air and say “The Original was better” I tried for a couple of days to believe this, but at last reality managed break through my delusional fog. The new movie is in all ways better then the Original... I hope to god no one ever remakes the “Searchers”.

So long Christmas...

Well, Christmas 2010 has now come and gone, The smile on the boys faces and the non stop playing with new toys have made it a enjoyable holiday. The boys even got time to play with their cousins from NY who were down for a couple days.

We sort of got snow... they called for snownarok but we just got a average little snow fall (but with lots of wind). I still love snow, I remember as a kid being out at night in heavy snow and just listening to it fall, no other sound but the snow hitting branches and the ground. Snow was a gift from god as a child, snow forts, snow ball fights ( learning to use trash can lids as shields) and sledding could only be done if Snowdin was appeased.

Christmas vacation as a teen also meant gaming. You got all those days off and that meant you could slug your way through a module or two. You were sequestered in a friends basement like Cardinals electing a new pope. You had a stack of books, a pile of dice and no other commitments except defeating the Invincible Overlord. Good lord could we drink some soda during those sessions.

As Santa returns to the north pole and the year comes to a end I am truely thankful for my friends and family. I hope the New year finds me employed once again ( I know... a little greedy here) and that our family remains healthy.

Strange twist of Acting fate...

I am opinionated... and thats my opinion, but i have strong feelings in regards to so called “Talent” in hollywood that have, from time to time... flipped.

Case in point... Leonardo Decaprio, I hated this guy for the longest time. When he would make a movie I would think “Hey isn’t River Pheonix dead?” ( which isnt really fair because I liked River) I despised everything he did. Then one night for some strange reason (Read: Jennifer Connelly) I decided to watch a movie called “Blood Diamond” and ever since then I have loved everything I have seen with him in it.

Sort of the opposite for ol’ Ben Affleck, I was fond of some of his earlier work but have hated what he has done recently.

Surprisingly, Harrison Ford is another case, I loved his early stuff, and not just Han Solo and Indy but his Jack Ryan and some of his serious films as well. However lately I fear his presence in any film like a Pan-Pacific Islander fears the Volcano god... his visage on the screen means certain death to a film.

Cameron Diaz... oh Miss Diaz, I loved her in “Something about Mary” but now there is something about her I find... disturbing, like she has a Joker face or something. That may be shallow, but she cant act plain and simple.

With this being said, what is out today may be in tomorrow. I may decided that Drake and Josh really don’t deserve to be placed in a cattle car bound for “points east” or that Nicholas Cage is actually one of Hollywoods hidden talents. But until that day.... they aren’t invited to dinner.

Fantasy Movies....

In a earlier post on Sci Fi or Fantasy, many of my friends stated that they all believe a truly good Fantasy film has not been made. I know allot of LOTR fans are going “Bu...What” but to some of the literary faithful, Jackson’s liberties and imagery were a bit to much. So what Fantasy movies do I like... do I slip into the DVD players?

I have to admit, “Conan” is still a favorite just the original... lets not get crazy... but I do like it and come on... two words, Human and stew... nothing says evil like a big simmering pot of Human Stew and hell, I even like Arnold's portrayal.

“Archer: Fugitive from the empire” in all fairness I only saw this once when it first played on TV, But I remember loving it. The hero was given a Heart-bow (or hart bow) that was magical and received new arrows when a black feather fell to earth and BAMF! turned into arrows. the bad guys were pretty cool and looked like evil turtles. Its a bit risky to put this on a list with only one viewing but here it is.

“Death Stalker II”, I know many of you are starting to call my wife and tell her to put something in my mouth so I don’t swallow my tongue... but hear me out. This movie had a ok script, it was actually kinda funny, intentionally. The budget was about 5 dollars but it was one of the best Babes and Blades movies I can remember.

“Hawk The Slayer”, I am always amazed by the actors this movie has in the small roles. Its a good story, with a not to tall giant and a not to short Dwarf, and annoying elf, a one armed crossbowman and of course...Hawk the Slayer and his mind blade. This wasnt a great film, but in the desert it was a drinkable glass of water.

“Willow”, this movie is sort of strange, I remember loving it in the theatre... but not so much on VHS or on cable. this one really isnt on my list but I’d thought I’d mention it.

“Sword and the Sorcerer” Lee Horsley’s tour de force, with his three bladed sword and inexplicable healing powers. The man is nailed to a X and pulls the nails out with the power of Lee Horsley and the next minute is swinging his sword. Not a good movie, but fun to watch.

“Lady Hawk” some people hate this movie, I loved it. I thought Matthew Broderick was great and enjoyed the whole Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pfeifer story. I usually risk getting kicked out of geek clubs by liking this movie... but I do.

“Flesh and Blood” OK, maybe not a Fantasy film in the strictest sense, but a pretty good Hack and Slash movie, with plague thrown in for good measure. The movie starts with the siege of a city and the “Heroes” are in fact a group of Looting mercenaries.

The LOTR movies, I do watch these, I love some of he scenery, I think the Shire looked fantastic... I am just driven to distraction by some aspects and I think the third movie is probably the weakest. But I do watch them and actually enjoy some of the movies.

There are plenty of Fantasy films that have been made, and that I have seen, but much like what i imagine a college party being like, I have regretted watching them the next morning. Strangely some have had studio backing, like the D&D movie and some... lets just say “Sy Fy Original”. So what movies would you add to the list?

And Hollywood... still allot of room to work here... just saying.

Clockwork Christmas

Back when my parents were together... and my brother and I were chitlins, Christmas was a unique experience in our house.

First... we had two trees, a real one downstairs, where the Claus deposited our presents, and a tree upstairs in by the front window for the world to see. I think that it is this tree that has resulted in a great deal of my mental issues for you see, in the true spirit of the 70’s, it was Silver.... thats right a Silver aluminum tree. It had Silver Garlands and was decorated in one color of balls and one color only... red, and one color of lights... White.

This tree still haunts my dreams, the thought of every kid seeing that tree, that horrific silver tree sent shivers up my spine. At night, when mom would turn off the lights, except those on the tree, it glowed with a otherworldly radiance...like a yuletide Guardian of Forever, I believe this tree was responsible for the down fall of the true Christmas spirit.

Another oddity in our house was the fact that my mother was a Emergency Room nurse and worked on Christmas eve. So when we young boys, clad in our bunny-footed Pajamas, vaulted out of bed and made for the stairs, we were halted by our father with the words “we have to wait until your mother gets home”. Pacing back and forth, rolling on the floor in agony we waited... and waited... and waited, knowing that the other kids were already knee deep in mirth and merriment, till finally Mom came home and we exploded down stairs.

Our gifts were never wrapped, Santa knew that would have been wasted effort, they were just laid out in Zones of control, Mine, My brother... and the dogs, like post war Germany. Though we were not wealthy, we had fantastic Christmas’s. I remember G.I Joe’s, ACtion Jackson’s, Major Matt Masons, Bikes and all matter of childhood delights.

I have been told one year we got a Air gun that shot ping pong balls ( lit looked like the guns in Santa Claus Conquers the martians) and we “accidentally” blew apart my moms bee-hive hair-dew with it.

Of course, Our lists were all comprised from the sacred pages of the Sears wishbook. I Did have a friend who would get the JC Pennies catalog but it was like the pope reading the Koran, there was just something wrong about it. Pages and pages of every imaginable slice of plastic happiness.

Like most people, Christmas morning was allot like a prison visit, you could only visit your beloved toys for a little while and then you had to leave. We visited family all day, and the whole time I am counting the minutes till we got back home. It was as we celebrated with our family, I was given a glimpse of Christmas future... that is when we got the Clothes, socks, gloves and other gifts, while practical and needed, none the less it required every ounce of youthful control to get out a seemingly heart felt “thank you”.

I always loved Christmas as a kid, I fell out of love for a while, but with birth of my own children, some of that old magic has been re-awakened... and all with out a Silver Tree.

Starblazers...

Thats right... Starblazers, the cartoon that I would run home everyday to watch, has been made into a Live action movie.

I still remember the Narrator proclaiming “Hurry Star Force only X number of days left” as they struggled to save earth from the Gamelons and then the Comet Empire. I can still sing the theme song. It was on Channel 29 and came out with a few other americanized Japanese Anime like “G-force”.

I used to think that the ships were the coolest, and the battles were some of the most brutal in cartoon land at the time. The laser would go through the enemy ship... there would be a pause then the ship would explode. The old battleship Yamato, the other earth ships and fighters and the all powerful wave motion gun ( that for some reason was fired with a cross hair and a pistol grip) all were fuel for the fires of imagination.

I attended a convention at Trenton state college... a game convention, probably in 1982 or 83, and there, a fan club introduced us to the uncut version of the “first season” of Starblazers, the original Japanese version in which everyone basically dies at the end and explained to us that the cartoon had been so wildly popular that fans demanded it be brought back.

Well now the Japanese have done a live action movie that looks very good, I can’t wait until I get a chance to see it.

TRON: Legacy ... A Clockwork Review

(Spoiler Alert)

I am writing this late at night having just returned from a midnight screening of TRON: Legacy. I was really stressed about this movie, how would it mesh into the much loved original (at least by me and a few friends) and would it live up to its hype or just be another in a long line of films I have waited for that have sorely disappointed me... The Short answer... I FREAKING LOVED THIS MOVIE.

I feel before I get into it I have to level set, amongst my friends I am not known as a hard movie pallet to please. I once said I liked ( just Liked) the movie “The Spirit” and ever since then I have been the Mental deficient responsible for all of hollywoods missteps and quite possibly responsible for the Holocaust. That said, Dave S ( Long time friend, best man and Godfather) sat through T:L like he was in a dentist chair and gave a one line summation of the movie as “When Hippy Jeff Bridges Showed up the movie went to Shit”, so my love of this movie will probably lead to me being treated as a special needs child.

But Love it I did...

Little things like the figure of the “Black hole” robot on young Sam Flynn’s shelf and his father retelling the story of the original Tron film, to the spectacular special effects grabbed me and sucked me in. Before seeing the film I had spoken with Tron super fan Amocay and I had talked about how it was odd that they called the movie “Tron: Legacy” since Tron was the name of the program that Bruce Boxleitner created in the original movie not Flynn (I know, i know...”geek much?)... but come to find out it was a entirely fitting name and led to a fantastic redemption scene towards the end of the film. The story its self, while not Shakespeare, I thought was solid. I could tell that the Younger Kevin Flynn and CLU were CGI but it was still impressive. The new Light Cycles and various other vehicles were spectacular... lots of Geek Eye Candy.

I Liked the beginning of the movie, where Sam interferes with a ENCOM board meeting and this led to one let down, they didnt go back to it at the end ( Though they did mention it to be fair), After all they even went as far as to put Dilenger’s son on the board... I wanted a little more.

The fight scenes were spectacular, the De-rezzing allot more brutal. The Violence (except for a few drops of blood) is probably the reason why the movie got a PG, I was impressed by its lack of bad language. I would even consider taking my Son Kevin to see this movie.

I felt that Jeff Bridges brought allot of the same mannerism from the first movie into the character of of the older Flynn. Garret Hedlund was enjoyable as Sam and had a Good screen presence. Olivia Wilde and Beau Garrett were... shall we say “extremely pleasant to look at on the screen” and will probably be firmly planted on the pantheon of Sci-Fi babes for years to come.

Though I will probably have to face years of mocking from my friends for saying so, I was not at all disappointed by this movie and enjoyed it, loved it. I can’t wait to see it again with my son to see what he thinks.

and a Clockwinder note: Though I love my friends dearly, i was’nt concerned what they thought of the movie... all except one, Amocay, in someways the original Tron is his Star Wars, so I was Delighted to get a text from him at 2:30 AM saying how much he loved the film “He liked it better then “Cats””. :o)

The Snodyssey ...

Last winter was hard, I think we got about 30 feet of snow... alright maybe not that much but we had more then our share and or norm... We Survived. This afternoon we got maybe a inch and a half and my life turned into a Epic of Galactic proportions.

First I had to drop my wife off to pick up her car in Newark, simple yes? It had already started snowing and I could tell that the Traffic Volume was picking up. It was then that I decided to cancel tonight's Den Meeting, I didnt want people worrying or hurrying to make a 6:30 meeting. I dropped Wife and youngest off ( I had to threaten a santa intervention to get the youngest to comply) and headed to wilmington to pick up my Eldest in wilmington.

As soon as I turned onto Kirkwood Hwy from Cleveland Ave ( My return from the Trojan War as it were) traffic was bumper to bumper moving no more then 5 mph... when it moved. This was strange because my entire time on Kirkwood Hwy i didn't pass a single accident. Finally right before Midway shopping center, Traffic opened up, I could maintain 25 mph... that is until I came up on someone doing 5 MPH, thats right, no one around them, just driving 5 MPH. Traffic was fairly normal up through Elsmere into Wilmington.

After I grabbed Kevin we headed down Maryland Ave to avoid the mess on Kirkwood Hwy... and I actually thought I had won, I had beaten the fates... then I hit Newport. From Newport to Staton alone took me over a hour. People would block intersections preventing traffic from moving, cars were bumper to bumper...only one or two cars making it through each cycle of the light... but still no Accidents.

It wasnt until we turned onto Ogletown rd that we began to see cars off to the side, again traffic slowed then came to a stand still, there was apparently a fender bender so people in both lanes decided to stop dead in the middle of the rd blocking both lanes. Luckly we were stoped by the turning lane that leads into the shopping center by Best Buy and the Home Depot by the hospital... I turned and decided to stop and get Kevin and I some hot dogs for dinner and see if traffic lightened up.

In the time it took us to eat a Hot Dog and some fries.... A christmas Miracle happened, the rest of the ride home went smoothly, though slow and thankfully we arrived home safely. Started our trip at 3:30 got home at 8:15, Not a good day for driving

Swing and a Miss!!!!

I neglected to post a Blog entry for yesterday... was running around a bit. Don't worry Clockworkians, I post something of little or no interest tomorrow!!!

Sci-Fi or Fantasy... Choose Wisely.

What if... At the gates of Geekatopia they made you choose “Line A for Sci-Fi fans and Line B for Fantasy fans”. I love both genres, but what if I had to pick one over the other, like my Nerdography would only allow me to pick one or the other before I could proceed to the next page.

Fantasy makes up, by far, the majority of my book collection. The novels of Leiber, Tolkien and Asprin mingle with the ancient tomes of Gygax and Perrin. In the MMorpg world I have played in far more Fantasy worlds then Sci Fi, WOW, EQII, DDO and WH. I love to lose my self momentarily in those tales of hardy adventurers struggling on epic quests, the flash of a blade the snap of a bow string. The conquest of Ancient dragons, twisted wizards and Goblin Hordes have thrilled me for years. My first Re-enacting like experience was a trip to the Pensic war in 1980 ( In Bill Waters VW van) and I remember walking the crowded tiki torch light streets at night imaging that this must be what its like to roam the crowed streets of a well written Fantasy city.

Now Science Fiction... is by far the largest portion of my Video/DVD library. I am often teased by my friends for my love of the original “Star Wars” trilogy and my admiration for “Bladerunner”. I certainly don’t have allot of shelf space devoted to Sci-Fi but it is there. Starship Troopers, Hitchhikers, Gibson and the Appleseed Manga mix here and there with a plethora of Star Wars books. Traveling through space and the infinite possibilities it offers, the blast of a energy weapon and the tension of a Dogfight in the void have always captivated me. As i stated in a earlier post Heinlein’s Starship Troopers is one of my favorite books ( Probably only slightly behind the Hobbit in the amount of times it has been read or listened to). I have been to a few Star Wars Celebrations, where the superfans go to get their Force driven Geek on and have loved every minute. Sci-Fi has supplied my imagination with countless hours of escape.

So if I had to pick... At blaster or Crossbow point... I might have to say Science Fiction but in doing so I would feel as though I had betrayed a friend, like picking one family member over a other to survive. Its odd, I remember the awe of watching Star Wars for the first time as well as the Magnificence of my initial reading of the Hobbit ( in my room at 27 Longview Dr. Sitting over the heating vent to keep me warm on a cold winter day). I wonder if it says something about a person (Besides how big a Geek we are) if they prefer one over the other? I am thankful that conventions don’t make us pick. Maybe this is why that my Favorite Olde Tyme Module is “Expedition to the Barrier Peaks” a blend of Science Fiction and Fantasy. If in a situation where you had to... how would you choose?

The Clone Wars.. or ... Clown Wars

I have watched the series “The Clone Wars” on the Cartoon Network, both the classical cartoon one and the CGI one and I have to say that I am still not sure how I feel.

I loved the Cartoon one by Genndy Tartakovsky, for some reason the style appealed to me and the stories weren’t that bad as well. There was one montage of Anakin being promoted to the rank of Jedi that I thought was powerful. I do understand that that form of animation doesn't appeal to everyone, I had liked Tartakovsky’s “Samurai Jack” so I guess I was predisposed to enjoy this one. There is one scene where Obi-Wan is trying to sleep in a trench during a siege, rain keeps dripping on him so matter where he turns or lays... even rendered in Tartakovsky’s unique style I found that believable.

Now the Digital “Star Wars- The Clone Wars” Im not sure I enjoy as much... wait I am sure I don’t. Its not the stories, the ones I have watched have been fairly well written, in fact I venture to say if the writing had been as good on the prequels I would have been a fair bit happier. Its the style I don’t like, the characters don’t move in a real fashion ( at least to me) they seem like Im watching Gerry Anderson’s Version of Star Wars (no offense to Mr. Anderson, I love me some Captain Scarlet). Nothing seems real about it, its hard for me to put my finger on it but there always appears to be something missing, dirt or Atmosphere or something. A example would be the Cockpit of Anakin’s Freighter... there is some seats, with some controls and a bunch of gray walls... just so Sanitary.

When all is said and done, I do end up watching it when I can, but for the most part its the stories I am enjoying and not the visuals... with everything that has been done in animation I would have expected more from the Lucas animation people.

Santa Hates Egg Nog.... He told me.

So there I was, with Santa’s bebuckled boot on my neck and his angry bearded face staring down at me... I have to say, as I began to suffocate I began to see his point.

It all started when I offered the Jolly Fat man a glass of Egg Nog, I had been told through countless advertising that it was “Santa’s Favorite drink”, next thing ya know Im on the ground with his shiny boot crushing my wind pipe as he said with a Jolly foreboding growl “Egg Nog taste like reindeer ass!”. I gave him the universal “you win you win” hand gesture, hands in the air and tears streaming down my face... so he let me up. He took a deep breath and began....

“I hate Egg Nog...I hate it like a Elf hates a chinese toy company... but does anyone ever ask Santa what he wants? How about a RC Cola... I love RC Cola... Or a Tab? and while were at it how about a Bologna sandwich instead of cookies... or some Pork rinds” He looked off whimsically into the distance like he was remembering a fond memory “ I do Love me some pork rinds...” Suddenly he turned on me like a animal..”Every Freakin year I suppose know what the Christian world wants... not only the Christians... but allot of other folks muscling in on the whole “Presents” thing thinking as long as the prop up a fur tree they’re entitled.... how many of you bother to ask what santa wants?” a frustrated tear rolled from his happy blue eye “Cookies and Milk? seriously? every year? what if I gave people buttered bread every damn year!! I’d never hear the end of it would I!”

slowly he regained his composer, he picked his bag up off the floor and began to head back to the Chimney “I hate Egg Nog” he whispered... then grumbled “Merry Christmas” under his breath and vanished... but not before a elf kicked me in the Jewels and said “Ho...Ho... Ho”.

2000 Views!!!!

thats right... over 2000 views of the old Clockwork Jalopy! I'd like to thank everyone who mae this milestone posable! A Special shout out to all our loyal viewers!!