The Twilight of the Arcade... a story from a veteran.

I am old, no I didnt know George Washington personally but I knew of him, as a aged person, I remember a time when people had to travel outside their homes to play great video games. Yes, you could go to a 7/11 and wait your turn at on of the 2 or 3 games they had there but if you were a leet gamer back in the day... you went to the Arcade, paid your quarters and got your name on the high score list for bragging rights, and I had the privilege to work in one.

Working in a Arcade on the surface doesnt seem like a bad gig and truth be told it wasnt, most of your work gets done before opening or after closing while you spend the remainder of your time unjamming coin slots, handing out quarters and explaining to people why they can’t throw a pinball machine a cross the room. However it also had a down side, my Arcade was in a college town and the general unreliability of the college kids we hired soon became apparent. I once spent two week working from 8:00 AM to 11:00 PM because our Employees decided to leave for the summer without notice. Surprisingly the most reliable employee we ever had was a skate board punk.

One of the things we had to do, when closing, was to start a audio tape on the PA system 15 minutes before closing. The tape stated in the Phily accented voice of our Regional Manager “We Will be closing in 15 minutes... there will be no refunds on games after closing... we will be closing in 15 minutes” followed be a bit of pink floyd and repeating the closing mantra every 5 minutes until “We Are Now Closed... There are no refunds on games after closing... Thank you good night”.

The story behind the tape has never been told... until now

You see this was the time before fancy dancy Digital gadgets and the like, My Regional Manager Mike (One of the hardest working men I ever worked for) had to sit down and turn on a cassette recorder, say his bit, turn on his Pink Floyd album ( yes... on a separate record player) and wait another 5 minutes. Well Mike did this at home, alone in his “Man Cave” and he decided some adult beverage would do him nicely for the task, the longer he waited the more he drank. The funny thing was, if you knew to listen for it... you could hear him getting drunker every 5 minutes... till at closing he sounded like he was hammered.

Their are allot of good memories from those days, how the city of Newark thought we were a front for the Jewish Mob, the fights in the pool room, but it was also also the twilight of the coin operated game, home systems were finally catching up, people stopped going out and started playing in. I remember when new games came out, you would have lines waiting to play, the coin bins would overflow, people would call and ask “do you have Gauntlet” then show up and play for 5 straight hours but in the end... there was no reason to leave your house, the graphics of the home systems were now on par with the Arcade machines, Business slowed and the doors closed forever.

Dear SyFy Channel...

Ok, I like James Bond as much as the next guy, heck! guns and Bond girls are near about as pleasant as peanut butter and jelly, Chips and Dip or Easter and Bunny’s, but are they really Science Fiction?

I know, I know, It may just be me...after all you’re now the “SyFy Channel” not the “Sci Fi” Channel and James Bond may fit perfectly into the mysterious SyFy Genre (along with Wrestling)... what ever that is. Lets assume for a second that you do still have something to do with science fiction, would it have really been that hard to put on a Sci Fi movie marathon? really? Seriously? Don’t you alone have the largest collection of crap Sci-Fi movies in the world, all filmed in Slovakia for 3.42 cents?

Did ya just stop trying? was it to hard for ya? Whats next a Katherine Heigl Retrospect? How can showing Science Fiction movies be that hard, I bought a DVD with like 100 of them for 9.99 at best buy! You could even show... Dare I say It... Fantasy movies but no, you chose to show James Bond.

In all Fairness there was “Moonraker” and Goldfinger did try to kill bond with a Laser so maybe it is me, maybe I’m some kind of Zealot... a mindless purest that just doesn't get the mysterious “IT”... but for the love of god COME ON!!! There are like a zillion Star Trek Movies, 7 Star Wars movies ( although for the life of me I keep wanting to only admitt to 3) 4 Alien movies and a in explicable number of Resident Evil films alone not to mention the amazing number of b films from the 80’s till now. Think of all the TV shows that could be shown, Don’t you have years of Farscape?? ( does’nt SYFy own Claudia Black?) and a zillion hours of Stargates in its various forms?.

It could just be me, I could just be some mindless Sci-Fi purest (Could?) but it seems to me that you have just stopped trying.

“It's people. Stormtroopers are made out of people”

I am watching ANH and combined with knowledge I have failed to block out from those movies that shall not be mentioned, I have determined that Stormtroopers are’nt clones.

First of all, that lack the Space Zealand accent, just Space American Accents. 2nd, they are distinctly less stupid, they lack the CGIness of the Clone trooper, or the strange unbendiness of the animated brethren. Stormtroopers eat and sleep cool, these guys are killah’s heart and soul, after all they are veterans of the battle of Blockade Runner and the Pivotal “ Lar’s Homestead Campaign” where they defeated the evil Jawa Lord Pootini and some how incinerated the crime family of Lars (still trying to figure out what they used on them). These are the guys that can't grasp that the "Droids they are looking for" may be behind a locked door or that they should maybe question the guy the Mos Eisley Light Saber killer was talking to. But lets face it, if you were to lock them and clonetroopers in a Thunderdome style cool battle... Stormtroopers would come walking out the hands down victor.

Happy Thanksgiving....

To all the readers of the “Clockwork Jalopy” I’d like to wish you a happy and joyous Thanksgiving.

Deckard.... replicant?

As a unrepentant geek, I am liable to like a few movies in the Sci Fi Genre, one such movie is Bladerunner. I saw it opening day and have seen it dozens of times since in its various forms. One thing has always bothered me is the argument that the hero Rick Deckard is a Replicant.

I know, I know...”Clockwinder, Ridley Scott said blah blah blah” well “Ridley Scott is high on the Crack” is all I have to say. Think about it, Does GM set out to design a car that is hands down worse then previous models? Deckard gets his butt Kicked by nearly every replicant, Zhura Practically offs him, Leon uses him to clean windshields (Then is killed by Rachel) Priss beats the living bejesus out of him and then is killed by a lucky shot and Finally Roy, the guy literally runs out of life, he spends so long kicking the snot out of him.

“But the Unicorn.... what about the Origami Unicorn” what about it? he also made a Matchstick man with a huge whosiewhatsit... that was sadly missing from a dream wasnt it? “But the pictures....he had pictures” SO DO I!!! am I a Replicant?.

I just don’t see it, I love the movie, in my opinion its the best Dark Future movie out there and also it is my opinion that Deckard is human, it makes for a better movie but then again, this is my opinion I shall allow you to think differently and I shall not think you are Hitler (This Time).

This Geeks Favored Class....Ranger.

The first ever D&D game I played in, I was a freshman in High School, I played a Fighter/ Magic User named Zimbad... I know, not the best name but I figured for a half elf it was’nt half-bad. It wasnt long after we started delving deep into dungeons at the White’s dinner table that I soon discovered my favorite class, and it has remained so through various media to this day... The Ranger.

Maybe it was a early love of the tale of Robin Hood, but I’d like to think it was my first reading of “Lord Of The Rings”. Aragorn, the Ranger of North, was one of my favorite characters, but surprisingly it was Faramir and the Rangers of Ithilien that i really ended up falling in love with, clad in their green and browns, striking from their secret hideouts and fighting the evil of Mordor while the rest of the world ignored the growing evil (from my Ranger Biased point of view). From that first reading... and a Game in a friends basement the Ranger was it for me.

With Bow and Bastard sword my Rangers battled evil minions from Greyhawk to Forgotten Realms from the Old empire to Galoran. When Computer games became the fad, every game that let me, I played a Ranger ( or Hunter in some games). My friends made (and make) fun of me, when ever we start a new game or MMORPG and we are deciding on classes to play they always say “Let me guess Kendall... A Ranger” why yes, dont mind if I do.

The image I have had in my mind, since my first introduction has only been captured in the Art of Angus Mcbride. I hated the depictions of Faramir and Rangers in Peter Jackson’s LOTR’s ( yes I do like the Movies...most of them at least). The Ranger in my mind is a simply clad fellow, longbow in hand, sword at his waist, little to no metal armor. He is Swift of foot and true of aim, virtually invisible in the wild. He would carry little, as he lives off the land, maybe a belt pouch a snapsack and a blanket roll at most. His weathered stained cloak shadowing his face as he stalks his prey. Cool on two feet is how I like to think of them.

Thats one of the things I hate about most MMORPG’s the higher up you go in level the more gaudy your Ranger looks, I look at my Avatar and say “Id never look like that” but Alias the games say you would.

Getting old

Ok, technically I know I am old.... I have the god granted gift of the ability to accept and digest the concept of chronological progression, but despite my “Advanced” years I never really think of my self as being “old”.

Last night I hurt my back wrapping up ebay auctions to ship out... Yeah I Know, WTF? I wasn’t building a house or combating Ninja...I was wrapping a book in bubble wrap for pete’s sake. I spent the entire night sleeping in 10 minute bursts here and there, then trying to get comfortable. Thank god that after taking some advil all night and morning my back is more manageable.

I may not be the Clockwinder I used to be, but the fates will excuse me if I continue for a little will to entertain the notion of youth.

A New Hope for... um... A New Hope

Ok, Its safe to say that I never fell out of love with Star Wars, but the trooper that weathered multiple Star Wars Celebrations has been a little low in the morale department since the release of the films that shall not be mentioned. The fun that I had once felt, the link to my childhood, riding my schwin 10 speed to Chestnut hill plaza ( that, BTW, showed the film for over a year) to watch the film dozens of times seemed to be gone... the spark was ever so dim.

Recently my youngest son has been into Star Wars, always wanting to watch one of the movies and thank the lord, he usually choses ANH. I guess in the interest of full disclosure I should mention that he does watch the prequels and did once say that “Luke and Jar-Jar” were his favorite characters ( I am a father... i must learn to forgive) but the film he watches most is definitely ANH.

I have been falling in love with that film again, I love the Dirt the grime of a well used galaxy. I love the action, the music and the drama. I totally agree, ESB is by far the best written and dramatic, but I believe the best and most fun of all the films is ANH by far. I would venture to say that for the most part (with the exception of the space battle at the end) that the added effects only detract from the film. During the road block scene ( which I love) at one point the screen is blocked by some roaming CGI beast... for no apparent reason and the added CGI stormtroopers look terrible in almost all scenes. Regardless to these elements the fun is still there, the artistry of that time periods SFX can still be admired.

The scene when Luke, after the argument with Uncle Owen, walks outside and looks up at the Twin Sunset as John Williams score wells up around us is masterful. The use of Music and quick cuts during the Battle to blow up the Death Star still can make you hold your breath. The Millennium Falcon... that a reason to love the movie right there, what a ship, so believable, with its blasted exterior and well used interior... Because they built it, the sets and the exteriors and it shows.

So at the end of the day, I have to say I have been enjoying ANH more and more, though I am usually interrogated through the whole movie by Owen with “Why’s and How Comes, I have to say it is as good a movie now as it was when I first fell in love with it all those years ago.

Checkers and Chinese Checkers

Its coming up on the Holidays and I was just remembering sitting over my Grandparents, my Granny and PopPop were the first people I ever new that had a fireplace and I used to sit in front of it and watch the logs pop and hiss all night. We also played Checkers....

Was I the last generation to sit around a checker board and play checkers?? Will the triumphant sound of “King Me” now be replaced by electric beeps and the inhuman click of buttons? I also remember playing Chinese Checkers, Granny had a antique stool that the top came off of to reveal the playing field and there were little drawers that contained the Marbles. I was never a huge fan of Chinese Checkers, but we did play it.

I guess in a way, the Wii’s and Xboxes have become the Checkerboards of the 21st century. I suppose the mundane red and black board can’t hold a candle to electronic battlefields of today.

Riffing on Star Trek TOS

For a while now, some friends and I get together and watch episodes of the Original series of “Star Trek” and Riff the heck out of them. I have almost passed out I have been laughing so hard. Like when McCoy scans kirk the sound of the scanner is “AwesomeAwesomeAwesomeAwesome” or the Golden Midgets from Journey to Babel. Tonight we watched 4 episodes and one of the things we noticed was Kirks need to share the impending doom of the ship with every man woman and being onboard. The thought of all the Panicking janitors, botanists and Geologists sealing themselves in the Recreation room drowning their sorrows of impending doom with replicated Sundays while a guy plays “Closer my god to thee” on the Volcan lute, just tickled us to no end. The other thing that cracks us up are the random changes to crew in the Navigator and Helm positions, in squire of Gathos, Sulo (“Oh My”) was replaced by a ensign who had to be 60 years old.

Space Coffee, we noticed tonight that in every episode the crew seemed to consume a enormous amount of Coffee. And Stimulants... McCoy was a pusher extreme in the Space ameba episode, in one scene people weren't even getting through the door of sickbay, he just had people there injecting them at the door.

So next time your watching the TOS, and Kirks eyes are lit by the “Kirk Drama light” and he doesn't immediately answer someone.... simply say “Excuse me... I couldn't hear you over the sound of my own Awesome” and let the Riffing commence.

“The Curse of Trouis” a book everyone should read

I generally don’t plug things on my blog (DRINK COKE)but this is the exception, there is a truly enjoyable novel out that called “The Curse of Troius” by new author (and personal friend of mine) Alan Edwards. Fantasy Zombie fiction has never been handled with such sublime grace, such a masterful weave of pros as with this book ( Bite into a Slim Jim). Everyone should own a copy so they can slip seamlessly from the world of the mondane into the rich vibrant world that Edwards ( who is built FORD TOUGH) has crafted, a world that breathes and becomes so known to the reader that they can hear its heart beat.

Do yourself a favor.... get on over to Amazon and buy yourself a copy and be sure to get the 2nd edition with the cover art by none other then Chris Stewart ( a personal friend of mine). ( APPLE... All other computers pale in comparison).

Oh and as you savor this journey into the old fallen empire, rest assured that you will soon be delving deep into its mysteries again ( BOSCO... The Chocolatey Drink) as Edwards is now working on a second book to wisk us away, like a literary angel, to his land of Fantasy (NIKE... JUST READ IT).

Hip new thing... and you heard it here first!

I decided to spend the day pronouncing "Soup", Sue-FF, as in "Hey chowder head, bring me a bowl of your finest Sue-ff". I figure if it catches on, I'll be able to hang with the popular kids.

The future... Its a gas.

Kevin and I... NO APATHY GAS WILL EFFECT US!!!

Post Traumatic Firefly Syndrome

Tonight, while the kids were watching their shows, I decided to watch a Firefly episode. “Ariel”. I’m sure everyone has seen it, but the climatic show down between Jane and Mal at the Airlock is intense... and the fact that its eluded back to in several future episodes makes all that more important.... but as I watched it, I realized that it made me sad, I’m sure every other fan of the show has had these moments, the moment when it dawns on you that there will never be another episode, sad that a show that was so well written and executed gets dumped but countless worse shows still clog the airwaves.

I’m not alone in this I am sure, but I can’t help wishing things were different.

My 9 year old Joke writers first video

Kevin decided to try his hand at Comedy... I am Abbot to his Costello.

My 3 year old plugging State Farm.

Bloodbinder’s Clockwork Monkeys

Thats right... sinister evil clockwork monkeys, their little brass paws scampering across the marble floors of the British Museum, the metallic clicks echo throughout its vaulted halls.

Creations of the nefarious Baron Bloodbinder who gleaned what he could from a few pages of the Tinkranomicon that he recovered from the lost city of Ramathu in the vast wastes of the Sahara.

30 of these Simian soldiers were said to be constructed in early 1882, rumor states that each required the death of one of his valued henchmen. Amazingly dexterous and sinisterly cruel, these creatures have carried out the Barons bidding all over europe. Though they have been vanquished many times, only one has been destroyed and that was by Bull McCrandles Pneumatic Bolt Blaster during the great Huxley train robbery in 87.

Each stands around 2 1/2 feet tall, constructed almost entirely of brass. Their huge Jaws have been known to bite through lighter armors, their retractable claws are as sharp as scalpels and can be retracted into their Paws. Each Monkey is a indivdual work of Evil Tinkromancy, no 2 parts are interchangeable, each monkey seems to have a set and individual personality, but all are loyal to the Baron.

Dr. Fulton Smyth-Cruthiers has stated that he believes that heat could be used to combat the creatures. He notes that the flame would have to be intensely hot to melt their brass workings but any flame seems to cause them to recoil in fear.

Before their attempt to steal the Rosetta Stone from the British Museum, The last reported sighting of the Sinister Simians was along the the border of the Grand Duchy of Luxemburg where 15 of the Clockwork Chimps abducted Princess Katarina Von Scholler.

Tonight's "Walking Dead"

**** Spoiler ****

So here is the setup, your handcuffed to a roof in zombie infested Atlanta. Your handcuffs are attached to a 1/2 bar that is being used to hold some pipes together on the roof. You have managed to get a hacksaw....do you

A. Saw through the 1/2 bar, if need be in two places to remove a section of the bar thus freeing your self.

Or

B. Saw your Frickin Hand off,

My boy chose B....WTF?

Story... PT.1

He stood, eyes transfixed as if in a trance, staring at the row of books. This was the 2nd trip he had made to the “Lords on the Border” book store this week and still... the newest edition to the “Troyus Curse Trilogy” had not yet made it to the shelves. The Author, Elan Awards, had captivated millions with his Fantasy series and he was one.

Grayson considered himself above mainstream fantasy, a bit of a elitest when it came to his reading, but he had made a exception for the “TC” Trilogy. Detractors would say “Its nothing but Gnome Necromancy trash”, just like the countless other Gnome necromancy garbage that filled the fantasy sections of the large bookstores, but Grayson knew it to be so much more.

The Novels were a eloquent statement on the condition of man, the hoards of Flowerfoot the Merciless, consuming all in their path, represented the human species, devouring the earth and its precious resources. While the books depiction of Tuckmucker and his friends represented hope for a new world. To him, the sophisticated reader that he was, it was sublime storytelling at its best.

“ I spoke with my supervisor...” came the voice from behind him, dripping with so much sarcastic annoyance that Grayson was sure he would need a shower to wash off the smell of it. He turned to see the employee he had asked to question management as to the arrival of the latest balm to his boredom, glaring at him with a smile on her lips and Hate filling her eyes. “and he says that the shelf date has been pushed back to next Tuesday, the printer... or something... is having issues making enough copies”. He exhaled disappointment and tried not to breath in the gaseous cloud of contempt that the sales clerk seemed to be expelling as if it was some bizarre natural ability of her race.

“Thank you” he muttered as he turned and began to make his way to the elevator. He thought he had heard the words “Dork” float out of the girls mouth as she walked away but wasn’t sure because of the music that was playing over the speakers and the dull hum of the holiday crowd as they tried to pretend sophistication by purchasing books by the armful for friends and relatives, having never even so much as read the back jacket but merrily excepting the Sales clerks “Its on the Best Sellers list” as a glowing recommendation. He had only contempt for these people.

The silver doors of the Elevator slid open as he approached as a old man in a wheelchair rolled slowly out. “Great, I don’t have to wait for it” he thought as he hurried to climb aboard before the doors closed, nearly running into the Old man. The store was only two stories but still... “why walk when you can ride?”. he turned to push the button for the first floor, it lit under the pressure of his finger and the doors began to close, as they slid shut he caught the eyes of the old man looking at him with a “You Lazy SOB” kind of glare... Grayson looked away quickly.

Silence at last...sort of... as the speaker overhead played a sweet melodic instrumental version of a 80’s punk hit that he could not recall the name of but did recall the chorus had the word “Sedation” in it somewhere, popular music was never his “thing”. He remembered that his mother had wanted him to pick up Soy milk on the way home and this memory immediately set off, in rapid succession, a string of thoughts that brought him to his “ One day I am going to move out of my parents house” line of thinking.

Suddenly, and very briefly, the power seemed to flicker a bit, the overhead florescent bulb seemed to glow whiter and brighter... but again, only ever so briefly. He noticed it, but paid it no mind as the Elevator finished its descent.

Grayson stepped towards the door in anticipation of its opening, his mind once more drifted back to the sheer and utter disappointment of his trip as a nagging voice in the back of his head, his own truthful self- narrator, uttered “par for the course”. Then the doors slowly slid open.

Immediately, he felt as if his feet had been nailed to the floor and that his lungs had been commanded to stop their involuntary activity. a cold sickly feeling crept over him as his eyes darted around the store before him, or more exactly, the empty store before him.

30 seconds before, when the doors to his Transport box had closed, the store had been a hive of activity, crowded with holiday shoppers. Children ran about placing books on the wrong shelves as their parents ignored them while they sucked down the latest coffee treat from the “Cafe”, Teens with headphones stood listening to unheard tunes in the music section and the curt, insincere “Next Customer Please” came from the employee’s behind the registers... now only music played.

Slowly, using every ounce of will he could muster, he stepped from the elevator as his eyes caught a sales flyer drifting down from the 2nd floor balcony. A Strange, almost electric oder filled the air. He took a few steps out into the store, no one moved, through the huge glass windows no cars drove, he began to feel the first pangs of panic... that is until he felt “it”.

It was a growing burning sensation, not on his skin but as if from the core of his being, his very bones. It grew in intensity, like embers being blown into a full blown fire. He glanced down at his hands and cried out... it looked as if he was boiling under the cover of his skin. The Pain increased it was as if he were liquifying and burning at the same time then suddenly ... all went black.

You Know you have to many German Automatics When...

The Luger is a DWM 1915, The Walther P38 is one of the pistols that the russians assembled from old parts a few years back. The Broom Handle I had reworked a few years back and the Walther PPK is a Walther/Interarms.