Clockwork thoughts on the final trailer for "Rogue One"

They just released what they are calling the final trailer for "Rogue One".....some thoughts

The Clockwinder.......On Star Wars sale

The Clockwinder..... Germany

Clockwinder vlogmendment.... Peter Jackson's "Lord of the Rings"

The Clockwinder.....on Bladerunner

The Clockwinder......Why We Vlog

The Harry Confession

My son, the young sage that he is, turn to me one day and said “Dad, you know the guy who plays Ron in the Harry Potter movies?” I said yes and he continued “ He gets uglier in every movie”. The comment in its self may not seem like much but the fact is it relates directly to one of my darkest secrets... I do not like Harry Potter.

Thats right, I have never even read a entire book, I have seen one or two of the movies and they did not suck, but neither did they do anything for me. Its strange, the series is Englishy and Magicy, two things that someone would assume would appeal to me....but it never has. Maybe the blame can be set entirely on my children’s shoulders neither of them have had much interest, though Kevin I believe has seen most of the movies, When I tried to read him the first book it just didnt seem to take.

I’m not a “I hate Harry” kind of guy, Hell I can even name some of the houses and remember some of the stuff from the movie, It just never grabbed me...not like the way “Game of Thrones” did or the first 3 Star Wars films ( to be precise Episodes IV, V, VI). I can’t explain this oddity, I want to be a Harry geek, lining up to see the last movie wearing my Hufflepuff scarf... but I just can’t.

My wifes family is full of Harry fans, I have friends who adore the series and from these people I beg forgiveness for my lack of enthusiasm....but then again, I will probably not see them in line for “Captain America: The first avenger” ( He did not just plug Captain America in a Harry Potter post? ..BAM!!... Oh yes I did) on Thursday at Midnight either.

Winter is Coming......

This Sunday HBO aired the first episode of “Game of Thrones” based on the Novels of George Martin (yes I refused to use his middle initials). I have never read the books but the idea of a Fantasy series on HBO really stocked the fires of my inner geek so I was looking forward to the series.

Last Month HBO began posting some video’s “Ondemand” explaining some of the houses and the world and such and I found my self looking more and more forward to the series. As a Uber nerd I am accustomed to being disappointed so I made sure that I was well armored against the chance of major Suckage.

As A non-reader of the books I didnt have a predetermined idea of what should or shouldn't be, I was the preverbal clean slate. So Sunday when the kids and wife had gone to bed, I sat and watched episode 1.... Two Times.

The series had me right from the first minutes, as the Knights Watch rode through the Icewall and were attacked by the White walkers ( or is it Wight). I loved the way the scene played out against the snow covered forest backdrop and the creatures even though they were only shown in glimpses were Terrifying.

As the episode progressed it introduced a world of great intrigue, the “Kings Hand” had just died ( I think the queen and her brother were responsible) so the king heads north to ask his friend Lord Stark to be the new Kings hand. As all of this takes place, in another land we learn of the Targaryen’s, who were apparently over thrown or something (they may have killed the kings first love.... cause he sure hinted he liked killing Targaryens) and were plotting their return to power.

One of my Favorite scenes happened late in the episode, when the Queen’s Dwarf Brother, Tyrion and Lord Stark’s bastard son, Jon Snow, have a brief conversation and Tyrion advises him to embrace the fact that he is a bastard and no one can ever use it to harm him. Jon Snow asks “What would a Dwarf know of being a bastard” and Tyrion answers “All dwarves are bastards in the eyes of their fathers”. I just thought that was a great scene showing a shrewd wisdom on Tyrion’s part and Jon Snow is one of my Favorite Charecters so far.

Ok....HE PUSHED THE KID OUT THE FRIGGIN WINDOW!!!???? holy crap!!! In a way you knew it was coming but part of you was still going “neh...he cant do that” and sure enough he does. The he is the Queens brother...and he and the queen were up in a tower “getting to know each other better” when one of the Stark children climbs the tower and discovers them. Well the Queens brother catches the boy and then nonchalantly pushes him out the window while saying “the things I do for love” wow...do I hate this guy.

As I have said, I loved so much about this first episode, I pray it continues to be as solid. I enjoyed it on various geek levels as well, I thought the costuming was fantastic, from the black of the Knight’s watch, to the Gilded armor of the people from King’s Point (Though who the hell was the guy in the black armor with the Grumpy Bear helmet?) I was impressed. I have to say that the fashions of House stark are my Favorite so far.

For those of you who have never read the books, Give it a go, you won’t be disappointed.

My Zombie Load out.....

What would you carry into the frightening landscape of the Zombpocalypse... The question was asked while we were at the home of Lord and Lady Aravan and I wish we had more time to geek over it. I thought about it carefully and decided the following.

First to Level set... My ground rules were I could only choose from weapons I had.Second, many people who do this sort of exercise have never really had to carry A Weapon let alone Weapons and their corresponding ammunition for any real length of time so I decided to choose based on the fact that I would eventually find myself walking.

My Rifle.... for I would only carry one... would, by necessity by a AR15 (5.56). Why? you ask, simple every police department and national guard until throughout the nation either A. use a AR15/m4/m16 or a rifle that fires 5.56, so this gives you a source to scrounge parts and ammo. The AR is not my favorite rifle, not by a long shot but you got to go with the most common (IMHO).

The real question is, which AR do I take, I have a COLT SP1 with a A1 upper and full length barrel ( tricked out to Vietnam Specs) and I have a Bushmaster lower and a A1 “XM177” upper making it a carbine (16” barrel) with collapsing stock. one is compact and handy in tight spaces, the other gives me a bit more range in my opinion.

I think I would take the longer rifle, I am under the impression that the carbine is 5 times as loud ( just due to the muzzle being closer to your head) then the longer and I might need some range when Zombie comes to shove. I only have a few 30 round mags, but I have a whole mess of 20 round mags so I think I would be OK. So my colt SP1 (AR15) it would be.

Pistol...or in this case Pistols...like a moron I will have decided to carry 2 of them. The first would be my Berretta 92F, Its 9mm and has High capacity mags. 9mm will be common enough and the 92f or clones are pretty common as well. The second, will be my Colt 1911 45ACP... I love the .45 and couldn't bare to be without it... so I would be a total idiot and burden myself with two pistols.

So those are the weapons I would go into the harsh night of the Zombpocalpyse with. Facing the the hordes of the walking dead to the sharp report of 3 weapons used by the US military.

There and back again... so it begins

The news reported today that shooting began on Peter Jackson’s film version of “the Hobbit”. For some readers that shall be joyous news, to others it will be the chiming of the bells of dread.

First, logically, “The Hobbit” was one book, “The Lord of the Rings” were in fact three books “Fellowship of the rings”, “The Two Towers” and the “Return of the king”. LOTR was made into three films.. makes sense... however “The Hobbit” will be made into two films... go figure.

I love the Hobbit, I read it more then any of the other books, I read it to my son, it was my introduction to the Fantasy genre and I still will re read it to this day. In defense of Jackson... I love his choice to play Bilbo Baggins, he is filming once more in New Zealand and Ian Mckellan reprises his role as Gandalf... Thats good. However Jackson also has some of the cast of LOTR showing up playing Characters that did not really appear in the Hobbit... so that concerns me.

“The Hobbit” was really a book for younger audiences and I hope that Jackson can bring its charm to the screen and make it friendly for younger viewers. I imagine some people may think the gathering of the party at Bag’s End a little silly but I do love it ( I know what Bilbo Baggins Hates). The escape from the wood elves, The shapeshifter may seem some what over the top when on the screen.

I hope that Jackson can capture the splendor of Smaug’s Lair and the Terrifying menace and pomposity of the dragon that exists in my brain, I do think those scenes can be some truly great visuals as Smaug attacks Laketown ( go Bard and his black arrow!!!). There are so many things I want to see...yet fear seeing how someone else visualizes them... Beorn, The riddling contest, The Trolls, the Keyhole and the death of Thorin... but I have the fear derived from the earlier films that could make a fan break into a cold sweat.

I wasnt a fan of the way Gimli looked in LOTR, so I do have some fears of how the Dwarfs will appear (will I be able to identify them by the color of their hoods?).

I will see this film, and I will pray it doesn't “Phantom Menace” my love for the book. I cant wait to see some stills from the production, but I will have a glowing ember of dread in my belly as I pray that they don’t mishandle something so beloved to so many.

War Films......

I am a Reenactor... and have been for over 20 years, as such you would think that I would have a collection of war films that I re- watch over and over... and I do, but what is surprising is how many of those film’s I do not like. Many films do have a scene or two that I enjoy re watching but those scenes seldom save the film in its whole.

“Saving Private Ryan” for instance, I do like the Omaha Beach scene at the beginning of the film, but don’t much care for the rest. “Band of Brothers”, the HBO mini serries that birthed a million Airborne reenactors has a scene or two I like... but as a whole ... not on my Favorites list.

Then there are the Civil War films like “Glory” and “Gettysburg”... Now I worked on both these films... They drive me nuts!! Don’t even get me started on “Gods and Generals”. I think the only real Civil War films that I have actually enjoyed have been some independent films that have steered well clear of the fake beard brigade and Fat Reenactors ( Note....I am a Fat reenactor and as a reenactor co-ordinator for England's National Armory, I didn't even allow myself in the film).

I am a fan of the Colonial period... but the films made like “Revolution” and “Patriot” make me want to restore British rule to this land. I do not like “Last of the Mohicans”, I love Daniel Day Lewis’s performance ( and his rifle... I would kill for) but the movie just makes me ill. The only “Colonial” combat scene I really enjoy is the 7 years war battles from “Barry Lyndon”.

As for Vietnam films... there are scenes I can watch from most, I have certainly watched them enough ( beggars can't be choosers) but there is only one that I would recommend or admitt to as being on “my list” and that is “Hamburger Hill”.

I do not know why I am so damn picky, I do consider some to be on my like list, “Paths of Glory”, “La 317eme section”, “Battleground” and “Downfall” to name a few, but not as many as one would think. Some “Pulp WWII” and Adventure films, like “Where Eagles Dare”, “The four Feathers” and “The Eagle has landed” do make it into my DVD player before some of the more... so called... popular films.

Maybe its that films that claim to be “Based on actual events” then proceed to weave some bizarre farcical tale drive me to distraction. History is dramatic... just the way it unfolds... it doesn't need a Love interest or a contrived over the top action scene to make it watchable, and films that change the personalities of those they portray to appease our concepts of what a hero is make me want to sniff glue.

I know “ F**k You Kendall”... I’ll take that, this is just my opinion and you are allowed your own. I just find it weird, I’ll buy these films, watch some scenes then turn them off, you would think for a guy with a basement full of uniforms and a office full of books I would be less picky about my films... but I am

Back in my day....BBS's, College Systems and early subscription services

Compuserve, Prodigy and AOL, precursors to what you kid’s now call “The Internets”. There was a day... so long ago that it is now a time of legends, where Dragon’s prowled looking for Marathon bars and soda came in tin cans and glass bottles... that one made a choice for your “online entertainment” and it weren’t free.

Some of us will remember “BBS’s”, Bulletin board systems.... these were simple systems that you dialed into ( yes I said dialed into) and were able to read some mail lists. People would never believe that people would run “Role Playing Games” and even Strategy games via this archaic method but believe me they did. You did not have the ability to send email everywhere in the world.... you were restricted to “subscribers” to the service.

( I wonder what teenagers would think if they were shown how we used to have to call a phone number, listen for a carrier signal that slam the handset down onto a Modem)

There were the systems run by Universities, I remember the Delta System, that i was introduced to in our schools career center on a 300 baud Dec writer and the PLATO system at the university. PLATO was a joy for me, on Friday’s they would have UDgaming where you could (with permission) play a wide range of games ( Moria and Battlestar were my favorite) on the amber screens of the PLATO terminals.

Then came the new wave of Subscription services...the AOL’s, the Prodigy’s and others that were a glimpse of what was to come. I still remember playing “Neverwinter Nights” on AOL... No Not that one, a much older version, Compuserve had a Squad Leader game that I never got to work on any computer i used. Now these services weren't free, you paid per hour and there were usually “peak usage” time “non peak” price scales that could add up in the olde days.

One of the services I belonged to was “Sierra Online” ( which would become the Imagination Network), this was a gamesentric system that enabled you to play Red Baron and other games against other players online and I spent many a hour playing there Fantasy game. Of course, the Bulletin boards were still big draws and again they did not extend beyond the boarders of the system... but it was cool, the way I imagine old maid was cool when it first came out.

I wonder if kids in the USA are even able to grasp the concept of a world before the world wide web. I can still remember the days the services began to disappear, some tried to hang on ( AOL still exists) and we took our first steps into a world joined electronically.

Downfall... Not a happy film, but a darn good one

I just finished watching the movie “Downfall” for the second time. A powerful movie that trys to show the audience what the last moments of theThird Reich were like. I can not recommend this movie enough ...but be warned, it is not a happy movie.

What makes this movie so powerful to me are two books that I have read several times, “Soldering” by Siegfried Knappe and “The Last Battle” by Cornelius Ryan.

Siegfried Knappe’s book is a biography of his war years, very interesting, as he seems to attract shrapnel everywhere he went ( I think he was wounded three times). How the book intertwines with the movie is... Knappe was General Weidling’s ( Who Command the defense of Berlin) Chief of staff. That portion of the book is amazing, describing how Knappe and Weidling would have to run through the rubble of Berlin to attend meetings with Hitler and above all illustrated the almost Palpable curtain that existed between the realty of the Battle in the streets and the Illusionary world of the Bunker. Knappe was captured by the Russians and held for some years before he moved to the Untied States.

“The Last Battle” By Ryan, one of my Favorite authors, a man that in my opinion wrote three of

the best and easiest to read books on WWII ( “The Longest Day” and “A Bridge To Far” were the other two) is a amazing work, not only covering the Battle of Berlin itself but the run up , The decision of Eisenhower not to go after Berlin because it had no Military importance and Stalin’s game of assigning not one, but two commanders to attack Berlin and pitting them against each other. The sheer weight of

the soviet forces, the numbers and equipment, astounds you as you read about Division’s of artillery hammering German lines. The price the soviets are willing to pay to take the city amazes you as they take their vengeance on Germany. Ryan’s books are’nt thin, but they are so captivating that they seem shorter then they are.

Still watching Downfall, all the madness of the bunker (Weidling himself was ordered to be shot at one point), The one moment that always gets me is the death of the Goebbels Children... I pray for someone to prevent it each time I see it... how could they.

If your a history nerd, and haven't seen “Downfall”, do so, its has high production value and magnificent performances that, even though it is in german, have you sitting on the edge of your seat.

The Keep (1983)

For some reason I was thinking about the movie “The Keep”. It was a 1983 horror flick with Scott Glenn, Jurgen Prochnow, Ian mckellan and Gabriel Byrne that was directed by Michael Mann. The story is basically, a group of german soldiers gets sent to defend a small pass, there is old keep that seems to be constructed inside out. Well as things go, soldiers start die, a special ( read: ultracruel) SS unit is sent in to straighten things out. Come to find out there is some sort of ancient demon imprisoned in the keep and he is freed by a Jewish Dr. who is tricked by the creature. Enter Scott Glenn, some sort of guardian Angel who apparently crosses the world and a eye for da ladies, to keep the baddy in his place.

I didn't see this in the theaters and I think a friend recommended it to me. I loved the beginning, but thought it lost some steam in the middle. I have watched this movie about a dozen times which is strange because I wouldn't list it as one of my favorites, but it does have some eye catching visuals. I wasn't a fan of the somewhat modern sound track for the movie which I believe may have been composed by Tangerine Dream.

I looked for this film “on demand” and was surprised they didnt have it, I used to watch this on VHS (ask your parents) and I am not sure if it is out on DVD but I would suggest that if you like more “off the wall” stuff, not the norm, you may want to try to find it.

Musings on Stormtroopers.... Thoughts of a fanboy

Since the first time I saw Episode IV in 1977 I have been a colossal Star Wars Fan. As I have stated before... If there were ever any prequels made... which there were’nt... I would not be a fan. ANH, ESB and ROTJ hold a place in my heart and a permanent hunk of my imagination. Since that day over 30 years ago, I have also been a fan of what I consider to be the #1 best conceived and visualized bad guy foot soldier in all of SciFidom.... The Stormtrooper.

The Zenith, to me, for those white armored servants of the empire, was Star Wars ( or as it is known now to the kids... Star Wars: A New Hope). I could tell the gentle reader about the subtle changes in the armor making process over the movies and that in Star Wars the armor actually had more pieces then the other movies those making it appear more articulate... but I shall refrain. To the Clockwinder it just appeared that the stormtrooper was more real then in the other films of the series.

From that first shoot out at the beginning of the film to the explosion of the Deathstar I buy the fact that these guys are the empires badasses. The Stormtroopers on Tatooine ( Sandtrooper was actually a latter term, the original script and novelization by Lucas referred to them as Stormtroopers) were a incredible work of the costuming art, the dirt and grime, the rank paldrons and backpacks made them so believable. The use of old equipment such as German SMG Magazine pouches and the imaginative use of real world weapons and items, for example those Rank Paldrons were actually Motocross Chest Protectors, gave them a unsurpassed Realism. I will still watch those scenes over and over again, “Look Sir Droids”, “How long have you had these Droids” and “Stop that Ship” are like alert words for me to stop what Im doing and look up at the TV.

To me, the Tatooine Stormtroopers show us what these baddies look like on campaign, covered with dirt, burdened with equipment. They are “Salty”, they are hardened veterans who can spot replacements by the shine of there clean armor.... but thats me :o).

In ANH, the weapons of the Stormtroopers were actual dressed up Sterling l2a3 SMG’s with some of the other heavier weapons being played by MG34’s, MG15’s and Lewis Guns that gave them a real non-plastic look and feel. The Sterlings actually fired blanks and in some scenes you can see the spent casings ejecting from some weapons. This gave them a kick and flash that was a hallmark of ANH and ESB ( After ESB they decided to go to Replica Sterlings and resin casts).

I know its a Fanboy nerdling thing, but it always amazes me how we have lost the ability to replicate the realism of the 1977 film. When I watch the Special edition and I see the added Stormtroopers in the “Look Sir, Droids” scene... I am Appalled by the lack of Artistry. They look like some one took a pant brush and just splotched on some brown paint, their backpacks look like they were made by Kenner and their paldrons out of felt... its like the difference between night and day. It is strange that perhaps the best trooper costuming since ESB has been accomplished by fans and maybe that says a little about the difference between Love and a Job.

In ESB we were introduced to Snowtroopers and it wasnt until Bespin that the ol Stormies showed up in any numbers. In ROTJ with the time and cost saving measures the Stormtrooper didnt seem as “Real” as he had in the past and the sillines of the great Ewok war only compounded the downward slide... but they were still there and still cool, not some CGI generated Piece of bantha crap like Clonetroopers that in 2 movies and numerous cartoons, have never been a 16th as cool as the Stormtrooper.

Here I sit, 45 years old, writing a blog post about fictitious bad guys from a movie over 30 years ago. Yes, I will place my “Loser” crown on my troubled brow and wear it proudly, because even after 3 decades I still enjoy watching those movies and I still think that the Imperial Stormtrooper was the best conceived and executed Baddy in all of Scifi and Fantasydom.

The Fifth Element.... something we all can agree on.

Seldom in life is there something that nearly everyone agree’s on... one of the exceptions seems to be the Luc Beeson’s “The Fifth Element”. In looking over my friends favorite movies list and in talking with them, I was shocked by how many of them listed the movie as one of there favorites.

I loved the movie ( and I am obviously not the only one), though I sometimes find my self at a loss to explain why, its special effects werent eye popping and some of the casting was... well... odd ( the federation president.), but I do love this film.

The film stars Bruce Willis as a ex-special forces cab driver and Milla Jovovich as the universes supreme being... the fifth element. <--- you see, just writing that sentence you sit there and say “w..t ... Cap F” but for some reason it works. Chris Tucker as the inexplicable Ruby Rod... might even have been this movies Jar-Jar binks but for some reason his character works.

The movie is not Shakespeare... its not the art in its highest form, it is however a amazing example of what hollywood sometimes forgets.... A fun movie. From start to finish my mind was never caught up in trying to figure out sublime plots or Machiavellian manipulations... the movie practically spells out everything you need to know in the first 20 minutes and Just takes you on a fun ride from there.

If I were to explain some of the scenes here... in black and white, you would probably think I was kidding, for instance, the head general of the federation shows up at the heroes apartment, which is the size of a closet, to recruit him for a super vital mission, in the middle of the meeting, the super-hawt Milla shows up at his door so he hides the military people in his refrigerator... But some how, it works.

I guess it helps that Milla Jovovich is so easy on the eyes, and she actually manages to bring something to her character, a certain naive frailty balanced with super badass. I still quote her “Lilo Dallas... Multipass” line whenever I have to produce my Driver license.

The film is full of scenes that I love, one of them is the performance of the Diva Piavalaguna, for some reason I find that alien singing on stage 100% more believable then any of Lucas’s CGI mess at Jabba’s Palace. I also love the scenes with Ian Holm as Father Vito Cornielus, its all just flat out fun.

Then there is Corbin Dallas... who hasn’t wanted to be the cocksure wise crackin hero and nobody plays it better then Bruce Willis. His negotiations with the Mangalores aboard the “Cruise Ship”... who hasnt wanted to be that cool.... and get the super hawt girl to boot.

Allot of the production, sets and costumes, struck me as very Heavy Metalish(the magazine not the movie) and I understand Moebius and several other artist help with the design work.

In writing this, I sit her and wonder why? Its one of those movies that if Im channel surfing and stumble on it, I have to watch... Why? I think the answer FOR ME is, that it IS a great, fun movie

Create your own Hero.... Just add water.

I wonder what our individual concept of a “hero” says about us? I mean, If you ask some one to create a hero... not one that has, like a Mother Teresa or a Audie Murphy, existed, but one created from their imagination, would any two peoples “hero’s” be alike?

I guess for the exercise I’d put the stipulation that the hero must exist in a “Fantasy” setting, not historical, not Science Fiction and does not live in the Modern world. No other restrictions, they need not be human, even bipedal or have a spine.

My hero... I believe... would be human, a man who shows the miles of travels and the hardship of his adventures in the weariness of his eyes. He would have just returned from a crusade or campaign that few others had, one that tested his beliefs to the core of his being. Even in the hardest of circumstances he would have comported himself to his simple Moral code when abandoning it would have been the easiest path. My hero would have conquered great hardships to return to his simple life, A farm or mill, where he would try to forget about his past, locking away his weapons in a attic like he trys to lock away the memories in the darkest recesses of his mind.

He would be a swordsman of unparalleled ability, but his style would be simple no waisted motions, the method of a man who has learned his art from the battles he has fought and not from teachers who have not.

The hero would not be knowledgeable in refine learning, but a genius in the now useless skills learned by years living on the edge of the razor, perhaps even mocked for not knowing the latest fashions or song.

He would go on his quest reluctantly, but it is through the completion of his quest that he would redeem some portion of his soul that was all but lost before... his reward would not be treasure, not be magic... but inner peace and when offered power he would refuse.

There are so many types of heroes in the history of the planet, I imagine some go in and out of vogue as the years pass and sensibilities change. Why do some people like one type and others another?

Now this is just off the cuff, perhaps all this sort of thing says about a person is that they have a over active imagination or perhaps it says something about the person they wish they could be, I certainly don’t know I am just wondering out loud but take a moment and think, what type of Hero would you Create and why?

Ok enough!!!.... Im old enough to decide for my self

I was noticing, since we are in the midst of award season, that the TVs and internets seem to be buzzing with women and not so macho guys trying to tell me who is attractive and who isnt and why.

First... I am old enough to decide for my self and I certainly don’t need all the Mr Blackwell wannabes telling me why they look ridicules. I find it odd thats its usually women telling me that such and such has gained weight, or so and so looks horrible in the blue floral print or better yet.... a guy who obviously looks like he isnt troll’n for a hawt starlet to date.

Second.... Im sorry, all the men I know like women to have curves, this obsession with emaciated starlets is not my fault. I much prefer curvy “Career Opportunities” Jennifer Connely over thinner blood diamond ( or god forbid... the forgotten hulk) Jen. I find it crazy when stalker photographers follow starlets to the beach and snap some photo’s then print then on Yahoo or Comcast home pages with captions “ Jennifer Love Hewitt puts on weight” or something like that.... the whole time I look at the picture and think “She looks good”

I remember reading that its mens ideal of a woman that drives young women to anorexia or bulemia.... they want to conform to that ideal so bad. I honestly don’t think its us, Men don’t (for the most part) produce and edit the great woman’s fashion magazines... and we sure as hell don’t read them.We don’t watch Extreme Makeover or top model... at least I dont. Must of the guys I know like the 40’s pin-up look over the Vogue cover look any day.

It just drives me crazy, every year Im being told why these people are ugly or fat like I don’t have the sense to figure it out my self.

Ebidiot... A Ebay Idiot

I have recently taken to selling some things on Ebay, now I am not without some experience on ebay... but usually as a buyer but I have come across a new species of man recently. This being, though they could pass as a normal human in most instances, has in fact a built in handicap.... they are the Ebidiot.

These are the people who send you message after message asking you the same thing... that is usually clearly spelled out in the description. “can I get a refund on this item if I am not pleased ?” then “But I can return it for a refund right?” then “ Can I just mail it back to you and you’ll give me my money back?” till finally you have to send him a message saying that you think he’d be happier bidding on another item... one not yours.

Then there are the people with the weird expectations. On a Item you have marked Used, then mention that it is used in the description, how it was used and that it is in used condition send you questions and comments like “ Is it “As New”” and my favorite “ Can you make a video of it in operation and send it to me”. One guy expected me to purchase a chronograph and measure the FPS on a item and was quite put out when I informed him I wouldn’t

There was one guy, who, even though it was clearly stated how much I would charge for shipping, Decided that once he had won, time for negotiation had opened, he sent me a complex set of instructions on how to ship it to him and that he would only pay for exact shipping and not handling. So I took the item to the Post office to have it weighed and estimated I had the pleasure of informing him that I underestimated the shipping by 10 cents.

and I am sorry... What part of “Will only ship within the United States” is the hardest to understand. On multiple occasions...with above statement bolded in the description... I have noticed people from other far away lands bidding.

With all these hassles I still think Ebay is a great way to get rid of unwanted stuff. Some Items have floored me on how much they go for. The Ebidiot may be a Minority, they are just the people you have to deal with as a seller.... So Seller be ware... be very ware.

Thoughts on Books....

Books, specifically Fantasy and Science Fiction novels have been a love of mine for some time. In comparison to most people, I came on them latter in my life, In high school I had read Tolkien and Heinlien but it wasnt until after High school I began to consume them with great relish. I am not the best study of my own language, as many of my posts suggest, I surpass perhaps only Cave drawings in grammatical and spelling ability. it suffices to say that my many handicaps never diminished my love of books and the journeys they took me.

I have been reading the 2nd edition of a Novel written by a friend, while reading it I was trying to figure out how to pronounce some of the names in the book, in doing so a dark and dusty door to my past opened up. Like a cloudy wipe to a cheesy flashback scene, I was remembering with some hesitation talking about Tolkien when I was a teenager, invariably every time I mention the name of a place or person I would be corrected to the point where I purposefully never mentioned names I wasnt sure how to pronounce out of fear of being branded the “Dult of Bree”, but today I began to think “wait a gawd darn minute!”.

How could I be wrong? when I read, I am not watching the authors “Movie”, I am watching my Movie filmed with his script. Yes I agree, The authors vision of his or hers story is the unblemished original however doesnt it get “re-imagined” with every different person that reads the book? Is’nt in fact the book the script that gets re-writes from our mind, a mind that turns those prose into a vision that forms on the 3d HD super high def screens of our imagination?

I guarantee that no one else's vision of starship troopers takes the same imaginary vision as mine... and it shouldnt, perhaps that is the draw of literature, why it is so popular, we read into it what we want, our subconscious fills in the the blanks and we become a collaborator in the story. Perhaps this is why a writer can print “Before him stood the indescribable horror” and 1000 different readers have a 1000 different terrors lurching forward in their minds.

I am sure this has all been covered before by men in tweed coats that smoke pipes and correct young kids on the pronunciation of Baron Harconian’s Mentates name but for obvious reasons ( I.E. my appearance on the English departments “top 10 offenders” list) it just dawned on me. I am never wrong, in how a name is spoken, in the name of the destination of a quest, The face of the hero, the style of a weapon even the look of the setting sun, are all correct and in accordance to the way it should be.

Out there, there are book nazis, who love to banter about the correct pronunciation of this or that Hero’s name in the accent tongue of whatever, then shove their or the authors version down your throat... like some holy relic of a secret ultra-right purity squad waiting to escort the heretics to the suicide chambers for repeated violations. Dont fear these people, but be safe in the knowledge that the images that formed in your head as you turned the pages, that lifted you from your bumpy seat on the bus, from a lonely room or depressing workplace to those magical lands that offered you escape... are never wrong.